audacity

when i was a little girl being brave for me was
sleeping on own bed
with my yaya sleeping next to me
she would sleep to a bed adjacent to mine
so that when i have nightmares
its gonna be an easy access for me
to cuddle up with her
so that the nightmares would go away
i was so frightened with my dreams
that i cant go back to sleep
without her comforting me with her hugs
until she went home
she went back to her province in cebu
i needed to be brave
to brave the darkness of the night
i used to have super duper scary nightmares
when i was in grade school
all the time
most of the time
so when she left me
she taught me how to brave the darkness
as i was transitioning in my teenage years
i wanted to have my own room
i was brave enough for the first night
that i was alone in my own bed in my own room
my brother for some strange reason
wanted to share a room with me
since he was and always will be a mama's boy
he usually sleep with our parents at that time
so he transfered to my room
it became our room!
So at least i was able to face my fear
those scary nightmares just wont go away still
but somehow i learn how to cope up
when i got kicked out of my school
i thought it was the end of me
i thought my future is gone
i was so ashamed of myself
thinking i was the only girl, quiazon side
that all the quiazon boys are born atenistas
and that they are all brainy brain
and here i am
looking stupidly airhead!
Not to mention i thought i would end up an out of shcool youth
13 year old girl!?
I was so glad and vindicated when my former school in kindergarten accepted me

when i had my first boyfriend
i did'nt know how to tell my mom and dad
i was scared but i dont wanna lie to my parents
i told my mom first
mama i have a boyfriend
she was just cool
but tell your papa when he is in a good mood
i did everything i could to please my dad at that time
when i had the chance
i told him finally
papa i have a boyfriend
thank god! It wasnt that hard

when my first love broke up me
my world was shattered
it was my first heartbreak
my parents see me sad
they just dont want to see me sad
my mom did everything to not see me sad
she enrolled me at a driving school
so at 14 i was learning how to drive
to get over a heartbreak
it was scary too
i was too young to drive
when i graduated
summer wasnt over yet
my dad would see me cry
so he would take me with him
make me his official driver
i got too many blunders
he wanted me to be a very good driver
until i mastered, driving
school started
off course the enivitable
seeing my boyfriend
and i wont deny the fact
that i was wishing that he would get back with me
but it did not happened
i tried talking to him
like it was nothing
i went up to him
like a brave soldier
i said
''patrick, you and my brother have the same school shoes
those are vans right?''
and you know what?
As he was sitting when i approached him
he started to stand up
i thought he would go near me and
answer my question
you know what?
He just went on
walked out on me
he embarrassed me infront of all our friends
i was close to tears
i think it was fergus or harvey saved me
he just said yes tin, me and your brother have the same shoes!
I never talked to him
after that
boy i never thought i could get over that humiliation
it just teaches me how to be brave
that was just a piece of cake for me now
the rejection and humiliation that i am currently feeling
i am just trying to recall
all my bravest acts from the past
that somehow can help me cope up now
my friend jelen tells me
you were in a much worst situation before
how can you not be fine now?
I dont know ?
I just cant control my sadness now
my break up
very recent break up
was somehow far easy to deal with
maybe because i knew that my ex was such a looser?
That somehow i knew it never was
i dont know which one is far worst?
Is it knowing that someone cheated on you
or is it knowing that someone you trully like
never did like you the way you want them to like you
or is it because the love you give away was not reciprocal?
I am that desperate?
It is making me feel weak
fall flat
ground zero flat
that i just dont know what to do next.
Do i move on?
do i wait for him to realize it too?
Hope floats all the time
i hope this time
its gonna be on my side
that finally destiny and fate will be kind to me
i had been and close to giving up
but by nature i am a cheery, pocket full of sunshine girl
though when i am sad it really gets to me
the fear
the torture
the pain
i dont want to endure the pain
i dont know whats wrong with me?
Do i make them stray away?
Am i all that wrong?
Was i so wrong?
What am i doing wrong?
Am i always wrong?
Whats so wrong with me?
I dont know if i can get over this
i dont know how to be brave even
i always try to be brave
how can i not be brave this time and move on?
One day at a time
a new day of hope
but that new day of hope
is another day far away from you
whats even harder for me is
i know that your having fun
and not care about me at all
how will i be happy?
What will i do to find my simple joy again?
Why does it has to be like this?

oh well just move on
and the question is
how will i ever brave the storm again?
even it is so hard
baby steps

i know one of these days i will feel better