ENTER SANDBAG

I had too many guy friends and best friends in my life time. I know how to discern who is real, meaning he doesn’t have any effect what so ever on me. The one whom I can run to in times of desperate measures like car problems/ troubles or we can just hang out the whole time with no agenda or anything. Sometimes even confide my love problems. They provide good humor really they do, even give the best manly insight’s point of view. But sometimes there would always be that stray cat, meaning the one who would mislead you, be sweet all the time, talk to you all the time, burn the phone lines the whole day the whole time. They would discuss something in general that would make you believe that he wants you. Not that I am an assuming person but something strong tells me so. You just can’t explain. It’s like a mixture of butterflies in your stomach and cobwebs in your chest it’s just like you had a sugar rush or a combination of hyperventilation of some sort…got my point? Its complete chaos you just can’t explain. So I had all these experience when I was in college. The first guy was our family friend we hang out together alone, as if it felt like dating but not. The second one I thought he was about to court me but NOT (again)he just wanted someone to talk to, just to get a girl’s point of view regarding what nice gifts or where should he take her for dinner or even analyze what she just said on her letter, so in short I’m his go to girl..His SANDBAG! He calls me when he is sad and if he got his heart broken with this and that girl. I tried putting up with these two guys...oh by the way they came in a different time you might think I had them both but not. I tried enduring everything and just let it flow telling myself I can wait and maybe one day they would end up realizing it is me whom they love. I tried hiding my feelings in plain sight all to myself. I tried waiting patiently but unfortunately that day didn’t come. Though when our family friend realized that he was ready to settle for me it was all too late for him as I was so in love my boyfriend. My college friend on the other hand tried telling me this one time that in case we get old and if we don’t find anybody we can be like together but during that time he was telling me that I wasn’t listening because I was dating another guy and I got heartbroken. At this point of time I can say I learned from all of these experiences that I had from these two guys. Maybe at some point they felt it too but not real. You know it is so hard to undergo these anguish that I felt while waiting that they would realize it. I am not that aggressive to tell them so because I had this fear that I might get rejected as I would never have the guts to face myself after. I just learned to dance with the music even though it was so hurtful for me. At present time we all know that I just came out of a twisted relationship. I never thought that I could also experience such episode in my life. It is very real just like in the movies. I never thought that it can be real. I’m getting tired being hurt, being left behind as I am so scared and terrified to grow old alone, I just can’t imagine me being an old maid, it’s not that I am in a hurry to get married or something but the real reason is I just don’t want to be alone. I just want to belong to someone who loves me too which is very important to me. So what am I blabbing? It goes back with the two guys who made me their sand bag for quite some time. I don’t want to waste my time again to wait for another lifetime hoping that he will feel it too. My mind is kinda in a mess right now as my heart is broken again; it’s my fault I fall in love so easily. I don’t know why it’s a thing that I have in me that even though I don’t know him but when we talk it’s like I knew him or had met him before. How will I write this? I am crazy I know… it is like déjà vu of those two guys, different guy but the same situation. I know I don’t have the right to demand or like I am the jealous girl friend because I am definitely not again. You made me happy when I was so down. Thanks to you, you made me forget my ex so effortlessly. And maybe the reason why I wasn’t interested with the last person I tried dating during my lunch break from work together with a friend maybe because I was really hoping you would be the one to show up instead and you’d be brave enough to ask me out on a date. All I am saying I don’t want to be a sandbag again. I would prefer to be alone rather than to wait for that long again. I would prefer to be alone right now because I can forget you much easier. I don’t want to gamble again as I know I will be on the losing end. I don’t want to be on the losing end anymore. I WOULD LOVE TO BE THE ONE. Deep inside me I am really hoping that you will tell me soon that you love me too. Yes love not just plain like, what I fear the most is that you might meet another girl better than me and pretend that I am your friend and you will tell me that you’re in love with her. I just wouldn’t take that. It would hurt me more than my ex had hurt me really. Believe me when I say that. Right after you repeatedly said that you don’t have any plans of pursuing me of what so ever I felt the fear, I said to myself I better find a way to stop this hallucination that eventually it will happen… as Monica sings Just Another Girl..
Am I the only one or is somebody else kissing at you? Is this my imagination?
Things ain't always what they seem. Cause I don't want to be.
Just another name in your little black book Just another face in the crowd and it's got me
shook. I've got to mean a little more to you than a space in your list of things to do. Another
g-shock gun in your Benz. Another dime piece that you can show all your friends. You can call me
crazy, say I'm insecure. But I don't wanna be just another girl.
Yes I don’t wanna be just another girl. I WOULD LOVE TO BE THE ONE. But then again that is just me saying what’s in my heart and head. It is not that I am in a hurry to have a boyfriend no it’s not that but I don’t want to put myself in an agony that I had experienced before and I know too well how it ended they never chose me. I am a jealous girl and I just can’t take you telling me that you went to this place with that girl and this girl. I would rather just let you be with those girls than me wishing too many times that I wish I was that girl. I don’t have the right to ask you why and say don’t do that to you...HELLO who am I? Just a nobody...so I better stop this. Forget you this early. It’s my fault I made myself fall in love so easily. I just don’t want to be misled anymore. Maybe this time of not talking to each other will make you forget me though I am still hoping you would miss me and realize that you love me too. I remember I told you about a song that I really really love. I never knew the title of that song for oh so long and thanks to you I now I know… and I guess this song is oh so for me singing it for you…whoa! I know! As if I could sing…but the whole song is all dedicated to you.
I just love the way Stacy Lattisaw sang it... as if she was me…
I just can't stop thinking about you
I can't explain it but
There's just something different about you
Never before had anyone affected me this way
Coz, I just can't stop thinking about

There's just something haunting about you
It's so unusual
You got this mystical myth that surrounds you
From the moment I first looked at you
I haven't been the same
'Coz' I just can't stop thinking about you

Ooohh
I want you, I need you but I'm afraid to show you
Why can't I just tell you the way I feel about you
Please help me, please tell me
I'm not the only one in love...oooh
I'm not the only one in love

There's just something different about
It's so unusual
And I never meet anyone but you
And I'm hoping that you feel for me
The way I feel for you
'Coz, I just can't stop thinking about you

Ooohh
I want you, I need you but I'm afraid to show you
Why can't I just tell you the way I feel about you
Please help me, please tell me
I'm not the only one in love...oooh
I'm not the only one in love

I hear your name and I could feel
My sadness gone to pieces
I hear your name and I'm amazed
How much I want you near me
Please help me, please tell me
I'm not the only one in love...oooh
I'm not the only one in love
Today I tried to forget and erasing you from my memory. I don’t know why does it hurt me when I only saw you for like what? Two times? I really just don’t know why? Why I fell so easily? Is it the way we communicated..grrrrr I hate me now… really I do. Maybe somehow I let myself to believe that you felt it too but I don’t think so. A friend of mine texted me a good quote today “ when our feelings get too strong for a person, it is always wise to stop for a while and give our hearts to breathe… a time to use our mind to weigh our situation based on reason and not on emotion” PING! I know I am an emotional person so I should also learn to be less emotional. But God knows I am really wishing it will be you, really I don’t know why again? I can’t answer that for my heart only know. AS kid cudi tells me that: I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.
Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
I say to myself breathe; don’t stop believing that somehow I will be the one.